Since the start of the pandemic, all my plans were moved.
Vacation to South Korea, ASCPi and IELTS Examinations, New workplace.
For the past few months, I was trying to be productive as much as possible. I only finished writing one romance genre book. But I’m still stuck with studying. I don’t even know where to start and it’s overwhelming. I sometimes think that maybe, working overseas in not for me. But of course, I didn’t let that consume me. I still believe that I’ll be there, somewhere far away from my comfort zone, working and achieving my dreams.
I’ve always wanted to work in US as a Medical Laboratory Scientist. Let’s be honest, money is one of many reasons. But the main reason why I wanted to work abroad is because it’s challenging. Funny? Yeah, right!
I may look like someone who’s easy go lucky with life, very relax and just go with the flow type of person, but I’m not. I spent years studying ’til I pass out, missing all important occasions and events in my life, just to finish this bachelor’s degree. I only sleep for 4 hours everyday when I started taking my major subjects because of fear of failing.
Study in class (8 am until 6 or 7 pm) — Study in the library after class — Go back to my dormitory to rest and eat dinner then study until 1 am — sleep for few hours — wake up at 4:30 am to study for my morning quizzes, practical examinations, etc.
Most of the time, I’m awake for more than 24 hours just to finish reading my reviewers. Coffee didn’t work. Music didn’t help. Food somehow comforted me but still, didn’t help as well. Talking, praying and encouraging myself helped a lot.
I cried once or twice a week because I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I study while eating. I study while pooping. I study while travelling to school. I study in between of breaking down from studying. I study nonstop. I gained weight, had acne breakouts, felt ugly most of the time, lost a friend in the middle of that journey because I can’t commit to my own promises because I need to study. I didn’t have enough freedom. No parties because I didn’t want to feel guilty. I am the eldest. The expectations of the people around me were so high that I didn’t have time to chill and breathe.
During my final exam on the first semester of my third year, my dad died. I took my examination the whole week, crying. I can still remember that the examination proctors were looking at me, confused, because I kept on wiping my tears. I tried so hard not to cry because I don’t want to ruin my bubble sheet. I did fail. That time, I didn’t care. I lost my dad. I had to retake some subjects. I didn’t mind. I told my mom that I am sorry and of course, she understood.
Worst part is when I had my one-year internship. I study while working in the lab. I found myself crying inside the bathroom all the time because I don’t want anyone to see my crying and being weak. I had to encourage myself every day. I felt sorry my mom. I had a lot of fights with my boyfriend at that time because both of us were stressed. I was overthinking and he was so chill about it. I don’t even remember how I survived the hell of studying.
Every day, I tell myself, everything happens for a reason. You will finish what you started. You’ll graduate.
It worked. It did work. I graduated on last week of June of 2017. I passed the board exam on August 2017.
At the end of the day, the memories and struggles in the past are my moon and stars. It pushes me to move forward. It reminds me that I shall never give up on something that I want.
I thought I was wasting my time. But, this pandemic gave me enough time to study AGAIN and contemplate on my future life decisions.
I keep on asking myself if I’m rushing things. Someone told me,
“You are late for something. Never demotivate yourself. You have your own story.”
Those words encourage me until now.
If ever you’re struggling, please remember those lines. You can make it. You have to make it. This too shall pass.