Square One

Marion
2 min readDec 14, 2023

I don’t feel quite well lately — physically and mentally. It’s not that I’m sick; it’s more like a feeling of tiredness and restlessness. The feeling I’ve been experiencing is quite disturbing, not only in my body but mostly in my mind. I’m not crazy; I know I’m not. I just feel like I’m too tired to function. The work is overwhelming. The world is overwhelming, and I don’t think I could even have a moment to escape.

Do I have a choice to make a change about how my life is going on? Yes. Did I do anything to make a change? Not sure. Probably not. And yes, like you are, I am asking why I’m not making any moves or changes. I somehow feel like I’m too tired to even think of a way to escape this reality. To be honest, I just want to wake up one morning, staring at the clear blue sky, sipping hot coffee or tea, and not doing anything. There are no plans whatsoever. That’s how tired I am.

The only motivation I have right now is to go right back to the corner, back to square one. I could say life is unfair. I could say I deserve better. I could say I can do better. Yet, I choose to stay still. I choose to breathe the same air every day. Do you think I’ll have regrets in the future? Probably, or probably not. I actually don’t know.

Right now, I just want to walk on a sunny day with a cold morning breeze. I just want to see flowers and grass. I just want to hold a new book and wear my pajamas all day. It’s funny how I feel like I’m still looking for my purpose and how I think I don’t know it. But in reality and in my heart, I know what I want to do with my life. I know what I want. I knew what I wanted to do until I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

I’m probably questioning a lot of things right now. I may be battering myself, killing myself inside, or even thinking I’m just dead inside. But, I know, every day I wake up, I’m still looking for that one beautiful purpose I have in mind. I may be tired right now, but I hope it gets better. I hope my heart will be at ease once the sun rises again. I’m not sure why, but I know for sure that that day will come.

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Marion

I look at people's faces, random photos, and places and think, "What If I was there?" "What If it was me?" https://mytangerinenam.medium.com/