The baggage I had in the past is still with me. It’s not something that’s easy to just let go or forget but it doesn’t haunt me anymore like how it used to. It doesn’t haunt me in a way where it doesn’t hurt me anymore. Rather, it became my defense mechanism. It became a lesson learned. It became a template and reference for my future encounters.
Like just what I am feeling right now. I once like this one guy. He’s cute, smart and very well mannered. We got along really well and I’ll be honest, I liked him. I’m not the type of person that is very good at keeping my own feelings to myself. I always say it directly. If I can’t say it directly, I do things indirectly like a puzzle. If I keep it for a long time, I’ll end up bursting it out in a wrong place and time. I did try to keep it in me for so long but I knew myself, it won’t work. Though, I really tried to bottle it up but it really didn’t work. So I burst. I told him my feelings. I told him in a middle of the night while we’re talking about arts and crafts.
I told him that I liked him which was pretty obvious. I wouldn’t spend my time talking with him or having a chat with him if I’m not interested on him. I usually brush the guys off my zone if I don’t really like them romantically or just uninterested. It somehow did go well because he liked me too but I got him scared so the relationship we had as “sweet friends” didn’t last long. We’re still friends but you know that there’s something that was lost in the way. It’s not as flowery and glittery as before and that made me very anxious and sad at the same time.
Now, moving on. I like this new guy. It’s not yet in a romantic way but I find him very interesting and attractive. I’ll also be honest that physically, he’s not my style. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute but just not my style. But what attracted me to him was he’s very smart and hard working. The perfect combination for me if you’re not my style. We don’t talk that much and there were days where I don’t get any messages and I don’t message him first because I don’t like the feeling of waiting for someone’s reply.
I don’t really know how he feels about me but I’m pretty chill about it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if he likes me too or not. If he disappear one day, I’ll just go with the flow. Maybe this kind of thinking I have right now is because of the experience I had with the previous guy. I’m trying not to tell him how I feel because I might scared him too or he might think that I’m easy to get which is a big NOT. I just don’t want to push people away because of my bluntness. It’s hard for me too because I had to keep it to myself but I have no choice but to get used to it if I don’t want to scare people away.
Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest.