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The baggage I carried in the past is still with me. It’s not something that’s easy to just let go of or forget, but it doesn’t haunt me anymore like it used to. It doesn’t haunt me in a way that doesn’t hurt me anymore. Rather, it became my defense mechanism. It became a lesson learned. It became a template and reference for my future encounters, like just what I am feeling right now. I once liked this one guy. He’s cute, smart, and very well-mannered. We got along really well, and I’ll be honest, I liked him. I’m not the type of person who is very good at keeping her own feelings to herself. I always say it directly. If I can’t say it directly, I do things indirectly, like a puzzle. If I keep it for a long time, I’ll end up bursting it out at the wrong place and time. I did try to keep it in me for so long, but I knew it wouldn’t work. Though I really tried to bottle it up, it really didn’t work. So I burst. I told him my feelings. I told him in the middle of the night while we were talking about arts and crafts that I liked him, which was pretty obvious. I wouldn’t spend my time talking with him or having a chat with him if I wasn’t interested in him. I usually brush the guys out of my zone if I don’t really like them romantically or am just uninterested. It somehow did go well because he liked me too, but I got him scared, so the relationship we had as “sweet friends” didn’t last long. We’re still friends, but you know that there’s something that got in the way. It’s not as flowery and glittery as before, and that made me very anxious and sad at the same time.
Now, moving on. I like this new guy. It’s not yet romantic, but I find him very interesting and attractive. I’ll also be honest and say that physically, he’s not my style. Don’t get me wrong; he’s cute, but just not my style. But what attracted me to him was that he’s very smart and hardworking. The perfect combination for me if you’re not my style We don’t talk that much, and there were days where I didn’t get any messages, and I didn’t message him first because I didn’t like the feeling of waiting for someone’s reply.
I don’t really know how he feels about me, but I’m pretty chill about it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if he likes me too or not. If he disappears one day, I’ll just go with the flow. Maybe this kind of thinking I have right now is because of the experience I had with the previous guy. I’m trying not to tell him how I feel because I might scare him too or he might think that I’m easy to get, which is a big no. I just don’t want to push people away because of my bluntness. It’s hard for me too because I had to keep it to myself, but I have no choice but to get used to it if I don’t want to scare people away.
Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest.
